Life after the Storm

Mother's Day 2016 I was told on Mother's Day two years ago, that the NICU was gearing up to discharge us. I spent a majority of that day doing Infant CPR and infant care and then doing a car seat challenge. There was no "celebration of mom" at our house, but a celebration of the IDEA that my family would be whole soon. On Feliz dia de las Madres (Mexican Mother's Day), I was holding onto my little man's hand on our way home. I didn't have breakfast in bed or have a slice of cake. I didn't have any time carved out for "me-time."  What I did have were little toes and fingers to kiss lovingly....for however long I wish. I didn't have wires I had to worry about or had to explain to my five year old why and what the alarms that sounded meant. What I did have was a big helper who knew where the diapers and wipes were kept; who kept kissing on baby brother and who wanted so badly for him to "get bigger so we can play barbies....

Father's day is coming soon and I couldn't have asked for a better partner and friend to be this guy, right here. My husband held my hand through tough times, wiped away my tears and shushed my anxieties. Thank you for all that you have done (and continue to do) for your family. Dearest Dad, I know this isn't how you imagined being introduced to parenthood. The first few days were probably a blur of adrenaline for you. You needed to make sure your baby is okay and the mother of your child is okay. I know you have your own plethora of emotions to sort before you decide what your next moves will be. I'll be the first to tell you that no amount of planning will get your baby out of the NICU faster. Your next moves will be based on the cues of a baby who weighs less than three pounds. I know you're already proud of this little soul that looks so fragile. I know you want to bow your head by the incubator housing your baby and pray for forgiveness for all yo...

“ Preeclampsia can suck it.” I remember saying this online at a Preeclampsia Support group and could almost hear the nods of other mothers in the form of “likes.”             We supported each other through the first scary diagnosis, or while we’re being triaged and about to have a premature baby. There are tears shed, prayers offered, and baby pictures shared of miracle babies. I don’t know where I would be without these group of strangers, brought together by this diagnosis. There are moments where I go online and offer comfort and humor. I sometimes alternate my hashtags to either “Preeclampsia sucks,” or “Preeclampsia can SUCK it.” But then there are days where I am angry at myself for receiving this awful diagnosis and there are days where I, somehow, believe I deserved it. Those days, I avoid social media interactions because my pride tells me that pity is not something I want to experience.   ...

May is almost over - can you believe that? And there are stories on social media about incredible stories of Preeclampsia and their NICU journeys - whether the road was paved with success, joy, failures and griefs. I am a Preeclampsia Survivor. My kids will grow up hearing stories of their birth; look through pictures of tiny babies that we couldn't take home and wonder if life would have been different if Our Story was different than the one we were handed. I am a firm believer that God doesn't make mistakes, and miracles, and love are in abundance if you gave to the Universe your all.  I knew I was strong but didn't realize how much strength a mother's heart can possess. I know and believe in the power of prayer but didn't quite understand that prayers could be this tangible thing that you could blanket yourself in. Those days are long behind me but I am always reminded of our journey during birthday and especially around this time. I...

"Infant death is one of the most devastating consequences of preeclampsia. In the U.S., approximately 10,500 babies die from preeclampsia each year and an estimated half a million worldwide." - www.preeclampsia.org I don't know Grief. But I know it's real and palpable. I've seen Grief in the faces of family and friends. I've mourned with them but Grief is a visitor in my life and not a permanent fixture. I'll walk with Grief, show it around my house, where it'll stay for a bit and once the light comes back into my home, it knows to leave me and it will greet happiness and light at the door. I know Grief wanders through the hallways of friends' houses. I know they sit in front of them at the breakfast table. I know Grief is the last thing they see when they close their eyes at night. Because I don't know Grief, at least.....not yet. I don't want to blog about how to overcome it, how to deal with it or any of those things...... Grief h...

What is it about GUILT? Women in general are predisposed to being GUILTY of all things. We're made to feel guilty for the way we look, how we act, whom we serve and how we serve others. WHY?? When did we start feeling guilty? During our childhood when we wanted to grow up one way and our parents/peers/society told us we shouldn't even think about those things? During our prepubescent years when we started feeling those darn feelings for the opposite sex? Or why our bodies isn't what society wants it to be? During our late teens, early twenties when we wanted to get away from those things/people that shaped us and find that the world really isn't as close minded or the same as we were made to believe it was? And we feel guilty about all those years we've formed our assumptions about other people and how we've treated them? Do we start feeling guilty during our years in wedded bliss when the subject of choosing a career and motherhood sets in? Then damne...

Women can have preeclampsia in the middle of their pregnancy, usually diagnosed around 20+ weeks and there are currently no treatments or cure for it. What happens to some women, is called postpartum preeclampsia and they get the classic symptoms usually a few weeks AFTER the delivery of the baby. But what I'm more concerned with, as if those two things aren't already going to kill you, is that NOW I have a big target on my head..... or my heart, rather. Your body in pregnancy mode is basically one test of how much pressure and how much stress your body can go through. I FAILED. My body's response to being pregnant was great..... at first, but as the blood volume and pressure increased.... my body basically said, peace out to my kiddos. While I experienced some of the "classic signs of preeclampsia" - high blood pressure, proteinuria, swelling(Edema), there are women who may never have any symptoms and feel absolutely until its too late. With p...

There are people who have commented how "strong" I was during both of my seasons of NICU stays. All I can say, "Glory be to God." Because without Him, I don't know if I'd be here today.  I am a firm believer that faith goes through different seasons. There are days where you will wonder where God is and question why should you pray to a Divinity that may or may not exist. There will be seasons where you will be knee deep in prayer, and scriptures, and wonder why no one else can feel His Presence when its so strong, you can also touch Him.   There will be seasons of trials, of silence, of joy, of tears; like life, faith is very much like a wavelength. There are crests and troughs. When I first realized that I was pregnant with my daughter, I was living on a high. This was God's gift. As women, this what we are made for; truly the greatest thing we could ever hope to be. I prepared and readied myself for the blessing that would come. I...

In the lovely wee hours of morning, I've started reading articles online about raising your second child, summer camps for preschoolers, how to increase milk supply and then, how to raise your children when your family - the main people in your supposed village - are hours away. I know it can be done. I know of friends who live in different cities, states or even countries away from family and seemingly are able to handle the burdens of child rearing by themselves. Of course, I see snapshots of their lives on social media, so who's to say that they're adjusted? You win, universe. I desperately need help. It's only been two weeks but the lack of sleep, the mood swings and anxiety has started to take its toll on me.......I know, right? It's taking me this long to ACKNOWLEDGE that I actually NEED HELP? I've caught myself sleeping and slacking "on the job." I once woke up, believing I was sitting in my rocker, pumping away, only to find that I...

It's hard to believe that I had a baby Thursday. My son, despite the early arrival, is doing amazing! He's had his first bath, we've already done kangaroo care and tried to latch him on to the breast twice. I'm just super excited and amazed at his progress. And because I am a mommy, haven't taken into account any of my needs while I've been here. My blood pressure has decreased since yesterday. But this morning, it started to creep up. I was supposed to go home today. I was supposed to be home right now, wondering about how my son was doing and how Ellie was being taken care of at grandma's house. I was not supposed to spend another couple of nights here, on the same uncomfortable hospital bed and getting blood pressure readings every few hours. I was supposed to be out of the woods with preeclampsia, not swimming in it. I'm trying as hard as I can to calm my anxious self but its not easy - especiall...

I woke up this morning due to the storm outside. A tornado warning sounded and then touched down not too far from where we live. Another storm in an already storm savaged city. Our lights flickered on and off before finally shrouding us in complete darkness. I watched the lightning making shadows against the windows. I almost jumped at the boom of thunder sounding so close to us. Beside me, my lovely daughter and husband slept through the thunderstorm. I tried to go back to sleep but had a pounding headache. Now I'm not so sure what woke me. The headache or the storm. But I managed to get myself up and decided to check my blood pressure. It read 152/102! I got dressed for work and tried to ignore my headache and listened to Christian music to calm my nerves. By 7:30 am, I had a nagging feeling that I needed to tell someone and sent an email (!) to my OB about what was happening and ended the note with a promise that I'll call when the clinic opens. By 8:30, I had a nurse on...

Well here we are.  This is the week that I've waited for with anticipation.  My "trigger" week. I imagine myself akin to a ticking time bomb; just waiting for my heart explode into little pieces. Is this the week that I'm going to suddenly start showing preeclamptic symptoms? The bags are packed and ready to go for the nightmare that I just know will come. I've mentally prepared myself for being admitted again, for the doctor to mention bedrest and to meeting my baby this week. ​I am NOT envisioning a longer pregnancy simply because I'm afraid of having that hope crushed. I remember feeling the helplessness and losing my faith in those first few moments. I remember seeing her tiny, wrinkly face and willed myself not to breakdown as she being wheeled away. Mind you, I regained my hope and faith later and used them as a pulley to get me up and going throughout the day. Faith is a catalyst that moves our day.  James 1:6  But when you ask, you must beli...