Life after the Storm

I remember going to my 26 week appointment, sitting down with my then-OB and being told that I was showing classic signs of preeclampsia. I remember being calm, walking out the door...... and pretty much googling everything I could find on Preeclampsia; the signs and symptoms, treatments and what it meant for baby and me. I bought a blood pressure cuff that day and began monitoring my blood pressure readings daily. In the five weeks following, I started bargaining to God and simultaneously willing the protein in my urine not to spill, for my blood pressure to suddenly go, HA! It was a fluke. Your blood pressure is fine. Those five weeks was a blur of moving from one appointment to another, visiting the Preeclampsia Foundation and praying daily. I don't remember much of anything else that happened during, to be honest. I just know that my 26th week was the start of when my world turned upside down and 5 weeks later, I had Ellie. I turned 26 weeks yesterday. Yeste...

I work for WIC - women, infant, and children; a supplemental food program that caters to mostly the three categories. Women: breastfeeding, pregnant and up to 6 months postpartum. There are days that I love, where my clients and I talk about their breastfeeding journey, or more recently, give each other little advice that could help curb nausea and vomiting. I've talked to my clients about my picking-eating-almost-four year old and in turn, they tell me secrets about what to expect at preschool, where to go resale shopping, what new recipes they come up with and what fun new games they've played. There are days where I feel like I'm making a difference and I walk out on a high note. Then there are moments where I see preemies after preemies and I think "this is really not good for my psyche." It is only after the moms have gone that I think, "I wish I said this." But I didn't know where my blubbering heart would lead. Let me tell you that when a mom...

I just participated in a focus group dealing with a clinical study on the prevention and treatment of preeclampsia. Listening to four other moms about their preeclampsia journey reminded me of all the emotions I went through during Ellie's birth. I was afraid, feeling completely alone and not knowing what to do and who to turn to for help. Don't get me wrong, I had such a wonderful support system in place. I had people who prayed for me, hugged me, check up on me on a daily basis that during those 43 days Ellie was away from me....I felt all the love in the world. But unless you've gone through it, unless you faced the same intense fear and helplessness, I went through the journey alone. To see and "meet" some of these women ....and to know that these posts and tweets about celebrating life, raising and educating people about preeclampsia and putting a very human story behind the pictures.... to know that someone took those snapshots and tidbits of your life an...

Somewhere in my sleepy state this morning, I looked down at this unrecognizable number and hit ignore. I should have taken the call. I should have known after a week of back and forth calls, tests and having my previous health record turned over to my current OB will result in this one call. I have to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) Specialist. I knew it was coming. I knew there would be things in my record that my OB may not be qualified to tell me. I don't want to see the Specialist for various EMOTIONAL reasons. I don't want to be told by yet another person to "take it easy." I don't want to be reminded of how fragile my blood vessels, my heart and my gummy bear 2.0 are. I don't want to be placed on yet another set of pills. Between forgetting my prenatals and gulping down a baby aspirin...I don't want yet another pill to swallow. So many things I don't want and I know these are things that I need. I'm tired of being treated as t...

Just when it was starting to get good in the "prego" department - no nausea and food staying in - I get a "lovely" phone call from a nurse today. I did a 24 hour urine collection on Friday and received the results this morning. I do have protein in my urine. It's "mild" but "slightly elevated than the norm." Cue the burgeoning hysterics. I am trying to take it "easy" at work and at home. I've been blessed and fortunate enough to have a husband that has shouldered most of the household responsibilities. What a blessing and an honor to see how much closer Ellie and her daddy have gotten!! I've taken more naps now than I have in the past three years. I'm starting to not really care how much of a mess my house looks. I haven't opened Ellie's closet or looked under her bed in a while for runaway toys or half eaten food. I'm trying to distract myself . Trying hard not to break down in tears, especially not ...

Gummy Bear 2.0 June 2016 * SIDENOTE : So we, meaning my hubs and I, started a social experiment about NOT announcing this pregnancy on any social media BUT there are a lot of things I'd like off my chest and this blog has followed my first pregnancy, my preeclampsia and neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) experience that I thought I'd share this one too from the very beginning. Preeclampsia has truly affected my mental state in a way that I never thought it would, including how not excited I am about being pregnant again, how I am more anxious and how every few 'normal' looking symptoms of pregnancy, such as random stomach pressure pain, 1 pound weight gain, and even a random headache, I have dissected over and over again. I am giving myself "breathing breaks" where the first shot of panic and anxiousness appears, I take a few deep breaths and calm down. What I really need is to take a knee every so often and pray through the anxiousness. Anyway......

There is this looming dread that is slowly making its way here. I can hear it and if I focus on a certain focal point, I can almost see it. Like thunder roaring off in the distance, lighting that strikes the darkening clouds, a storm is headed my way. ........or that's how I feel with my job interview come Thursday. Perhaps, I am making this slightly more dramatic than it should be. To be fair, it is my first job interview in six and a half years. I can at least tell my employer that for the past year and a half of my sabbatical, I not only took charge of my toddler but managed to write a book! It's the letting go part that I have never quite grasped a handle on. I honestly don't know how people who have no family or support system in place manage to work with the knowledge that their child(ren) is being taken care of. I found a daycare nearby, complete with a security system where parents can watch their child(ren) interact with other kiddos on their phone or a ...