Life after the Storm

It's hard to believe that I had a baby Thursday. My son, despite the early arrival, is doing amazing! He's had his first bath, we've already done kangaroo care and tried to latch him on to the breast twice. I'm just super excited and amazed at his progress. And because I am a mommy, haven't taken into account any of my needs while I've been here. My blood pressure has decreased since yesterday. But this morning, it started to creep up. I was supposed to go home today. I was supposed to be home right now, wondering about how my son was doing and how Ellie was being taken care of at grandma's house. I was not supposed to spend another couple of nights here, on the same uncomfortable hospital bed and getting blood pressure readings every few hours. I was supposed to be out of the woods with preeclampsia, not swimming in it. I'm trying as hard as I can to calm my anxious self but its not easy - especiall...

I woke up this morning due to the storm outside. A tornado warning sounded and then touched down not too far from where we live. Another storm in an already storm savaged city. Our lights flickered on and off before finally shrouding us in complete darkness. I watched the lightning making shadows against the windows. I almost jumped at the boom of thunder sounding so close to us. Beside me, my lovely daughter and husband slept through the thunderstorm. I tried to go back to sleep but had a pounding headache. Now I'm not so sure what woke me. The headache or the storm. But I managed to get myself up and decided to check my blood pressure. It read 152/102! I got dressed for work and tried to ignore my headache and listened to Christian music to calm my nerves. By 7:30 am, I had a nagging feeling that I needed to tell someone and sent an email (!) to my OB about what was happening and ended the note with a promise that I'll call when the clinic opens. By 8:30, I had a nurse on...

Well here we are.  This is the week that I've waited for with anticipation.  My "trigger" week. I imagine myself akin to a ticking time bomb; just waiting for my heart explode into little pieces. Is this the week that I'm going to suddenly start showing preeclamptic symptoms? The bags are packed and ready to go for the nightmare that I just know will come. I've mentally prepared myself for being admitted again, for the doctor to mention bedrest and to meeting my baby this week. ​I am NOT envisioning a longer pregnancy simply because I'm afraid of having that hope crushed. I remember feeling the helplessness and losing my faith in those first few moments. I remember seeing her tiny, wrinkly face and willed myself not to breakdown as she being wheeled away. Mind you, I regained my hope and faith later and used them as a pulley to get me up and going throughout the day. Faith is a catalyst that moves our day.  James 1:6  But when you ask, you must beli...

I remember going to my 26 week appointment, sitting down with my then-OB and being told that I was showing classic signs of preeclampsia. I remember being calm, walking out the door...... and pretty much googling everything I could find on Preeclampsia; the signs and symptoms, treatments and what it meant for baby and me. I bought a blood pressure cuff that day and began monitoring my blood pressure readings daily. In the five weeks following, I started bargaining to God and simultaneously willing the protein in my urine not to spill, for my blood pressure to suddenly go, HA! It was a fluke. Your blood pressure is fine. Those five weeks was a blur of moving from one appointment to another, visiting the Preeclampsia Foundation and praying daily. I don't remember much of anything else that happened during, to be honest. I just know that my 26th week was the start of when my world turned upside down and 5 weeks later, I had Ellie. I turned 26 weeks yesterday. Yeste...

I work for WIC - women, infant, and children; a supplemental food program that caters to mostly the three categories. Women: breastfeeding, pregnant and up to 6 months postpartum. There are days that I love, where my clients and I talk about their breastfeeding journey, or more recently, give each other little advice that could help curb nausea and vomiting. I've talked to my clients about my picking-eating-almost-four year old and in turn, they tell me secrets about what to expect at preschool, where to go resale shopping, what new recipes they come up with and what fun new games they've played. There are days where I feel like I'm making a difference and I walk out on a high note. Then there are moments where I see preemies after preemies and I think "this is really not good for my psyche." It is only after the moms have gone that I think, "I wish I said this." But I didn't know where my blubbering heart would lead. Let me tell you that when a mom...

I just participated in a focus group dealing with a clinical study on the prevention and treatment of preeclampsia. Listening to four other moms about their preeclampsia journey reminded me of all the emotions I went through during Ellie's birth. I was afraid, feeling completely alone and not knowing what to do and who to turn to for help. Don't get me wrong, I had such a wonderful support system in place. I had people who prayed for me, hugged me, check up on me on a daily basis that during those 43 days Ellie was away from me....I felt all the love in the world. But unless you've gone through it, unless you faced the same intense fear and helplessness, I went through the journey alone. To see and "meet" some of these women ....and to know that these posts and tweets about celebrating life, raising and educating people about preeclampsia and putting a very human story behind the pictures.... to know that someone took those snapshots and tidbits of your life an...

Somewhere in my sleepy state this morning, I looked down at this unrecognizable number and hit ignore. I should have taken the call. I should have known after a week of back and forth calls, tests and having my previous health record turned over to my current OB will result in this one call. I have to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) Specialist. I knew it was coming. I knew there would be things in my record that my OB may not be qualified to tell me. I don't want to see the Specialist for various EMOTIONAL reasons. I don't want to be told by yet another person to "take it easy." I don't want to be reminded of how fragile my blood vessels, my heart and my gummy bear 2.0 are. I don't want to be placed on yet another set of pills. Between forgetting my prenatals and gulping down a baby aspirin...I don't want yet another pill to swallow. So many things I don't want and I know these are things that I need. I'm tired of being treated as t...