patience is a virtue

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and one that i really am trying to have. the doctor came by today....while i know that she cannot give me a specific day and time of when baby will be released...it's still frustrating and i want to shake her and ask her to just give me an abritrary day that will please my heart.

but i know she can't and here we are, just as lost as before.

the baby's heart rate, respiration rate and oxygen saturation was practically perfect. what they call "spells" is when all three rates drop. five days without spells = discharge. and she was on day four.....

so the countdown restarted

yesterday, she had three consecutively. and then some today.....they think its reflux, but just to be sure, they're doing an ECHO on her tomorrow.

i've never been one to be patient. i think i am and i want people to believe i am, but when no one's looking, i tap my fingers, my thoughts race and before i can stop myself, i do something i know i'll regret.... to get over the time spent just waiting.

i hate waiting and for the past month, that's all i've been doing. i need to pray more....unfortunately, the more i pray, the more frustrated i get. this is a test of patience and strength. i'm starting to unravel and i feel very much like i'm tettering on the edge.

distractions work for a few minutes. i try to post happy pictures on facebook, try to calm my nerves every time i hear the alarm of her monitors sound. i pray. i drink more coffee now than i should and probably have done reckless things like driving through a hail storm going 70 mph to see her. i pray some more. i try to sit still long enough to process information, but when i don't like the facts, i tune the world out. drink more coffee. pray some more. repeat for 36 days.....

i am grateful that there is absolutely nothing serious that they've found on her. what i want most is my family to be home together. and its frustrating that it was so close, i could taste it, feel ike, be enveloped in the warmth and images of tummy time, sounds of lullabies, .....coos

i never ever would wish this on anyone.

i need a day to cry. something to get everything i've felt out and i don't think i've done that yet.

so today is my day to cry.

tomorrow, i'll learn to start the clock on patience and try not to hit the snooze button on hope.

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