14 weeks 5 days and 1 phone call later

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Somewhere in my sleepy state this morning, I looked down at this unrecognizable number and hit ignore. I should have taken the call. I should have known after a week of back and forth calls, tests and having my previous health record turned over to my current OB will result in this one call.

I have to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) Specialist. I knew it was coming. I knew there would be things in my record that my OB may not be qualified to tell me.

I don't want to see the Specialist for various EMOTIONAL reasons.
I don't want to be told by yet another person to "take it easy."
I don't want to be reminded of how fragile my blood vessels, my heart and my gummy bear 2.0 are.
I don't want to be placed on yet another set of pills. Between forgetting my prenatals and gulping down a baby aspirin...I don't want yet another pill to swallow.

So many things I don't want and I know these are things that I need.
I'm tired of being treated as this fragile person at work. I am not sick. I've been capable of doing so many things and so much more but I know the term "high risk" scares everyone.

I'm hoping gummy bear 2.0 doesn't really feel the frustration and anger I've been feeling lately.
But anger is good. Anger means I'm trying to fight and I haven't completely given up hope. Anger gets me through the next day and having to chase down a preschooler also is a constant reminder to live and pretend that I'm having a normal(ish) pregnancy. I'd rather be angry than feel resigned and hide under the covers all day.

At work, I have met at least five precious 28 weekers. I also cried in front of one of the mommies who was struggling with an oxygen tank and a heart/apnea monitor. I told her my own preeclampsia story and tried to impart some sort of hope and ray of sunshine to this first time mom who looked so overwhelmed.

I remember that feeling of helplessness and I remember thinking how I am never going to go through pregnancy ever again.

And here I am.

Gummy bear 2.0 doesn't need my helplessness.
2.0 doesn't need my anger.

Gummy bear needs mommy bear to calm down and pray.

........6 weeks until diagnosis.

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