Dear mom in the NICU

I work for WIC - women, infant, and children; a supplemental food program that caters to mostly the three categories. Women: breastfeeding, pregnant and up to 6 months postpartum.

There are days that I love, where my clients and I talk about their breastfeeding journey, or more recently, give each other little advice that could help curb nausea and vomiting. I've talked to my clients about my picking-eating-almost-four year old and in turn, they tell me secrets about what to expect at preschool, where to go resale shopping, what new recipes they come up with and what fun new games they've played.

There are days where I feel like I'm making a difference and I walk out on a high note.

Then there are moments where I see preemies after preemies and I think "this is really not good for my psyche."

It is only after the moms have gone that I think, "I wish I said this." But I didn't know where my blubbering heart would lead.

Let me tell you that when a mom has a baby in the NICU, rather than saying that "you're going to be just fine; hang in there; your baby is a fighter...." Those words, as lovely and dear as they are to the speaker, sound so hollow for those of us who've been there.

What I really want to hear is "I've been there." "I know."

"I have been where you are, mom. And I'll be the first to tell you, how much it SUCKS to not get to hold your baby every day and every night. It SUCKS that you see these mommies who come home to their newborn and smell their scent as often as they want to. I can tell you how many times I've prayed over my child and gave her doctor those puppy dog eyes just so they can tell me she's doing okay and that she's doing better than yesterday.
I know what it feels like to walk down a corridor and see those newborns in their lovely little cribs and then walk past those healthy cherubs into another corridor further down, where the rest of the population won't ever have to see. You are greeted by a door, there is a bell you have to ring and you are asked for identification. Once you step through, you'll hear the beeps of the machines around you, see the nurse that waved you in and walk down a series of open rooms. There are incubators with parents huddled around, nurses that come and go and you keep walking past the nurse who is rocking a baby to sleep. You wonder if she does that for your child, if she cries - who rocks her when you're not there.

Those moments will always stay with you and you know what, because you are lovely and a MOM, you BELIEVE that you will have to be okay. You BELIEVE that no one else will get to shoulder these burdens, guilt and tears because the most important thing to focus on, is your baby........ BUT you forget that I've been where you are. And I know that you are not "fine." I know that those tears will come.... maybe not now, but one day, when you've had plenty of time to process.

There will be days that you go about your business and suddenly, break down. There will be days after life "normalizes" itself, that you will want to hold your baby all day and find ways to hide the evidence of your tear streaked face. There will be days where the guilt is so much and so heavy that you wonder why bother trying again?


Guilt will affect your decisions and try to rob you of your future.

There will be magical days where the sun hits your home just right and you suddenly think of all these what if scenarios and you run around looking for your precious toddler to make sure she's where you left her.

Fear makes you think crazy and paralyzing thoughts.

Please, find someone. Talk to someone about your fears. Write about it. Pray about it. You don't have to shoulder your burdens alone.

Do it before you come home. Surround yourself with all the positive bubbles and friends and family and arm yourself with FAITH.

No, I don't know if you are going to be okay. I don't know if you baby will be okay. But I do know that one day, you'll want to remember the strength that you had in those dreadful moments.

One day, you'll come across something that you think is hard to achieve and you wonder how you could possibly overcome that situation.....I need you to remember that you fought for every minute for getting skin-to-skin added on her chart. I need you to remember that you stood up to your family and friends and the nurses and challenged and questioned their movements, their decisions.

I need you to remember that you were your baby's advocate then and even more so now. YOU do not have to feel guilty for every decision that you come across NOW. Because in those moments that counted, EVERYONE followed your lead.

In those moments of silence, you became the center of strength and evidence of what servitude meant. In those moments, you remembered what it felt like to be FAITHFUL.

You prayed daily. You forgot the selfish, disillusioned part of you and focused on nothing but to make sure your love one was cared for. You may have begged and bargained with God but those are all okay.


You will be okay.

Every milestone that is achieved is like a breath of something so fierce that I want you to remember how much you treasured that and craved it. I need you to know that you are looked after. I need you to know that there are women who are with you and support you. Bonded by this awful shared experience, they've been where you are. Some of us barely make it out. Some of us are looking down as angels and protecting you and your baby. Most of us still wonder and cry and get over it and stop the deluge of triggering images and sounds.
One day, you'll be okay. It make not be tomorrow, a month or even four years from now, but soon......

Your baby is fighting a fight they won't remember and here you are, hoping you picked up their burdens. Remember God is doing that for you, too. You are fighting these guilt and fears and shattered first images of parenting and family and GOD is fighting for you to overcome them and trust in Him. GOD, your Father, is hoping that you give your burden over to Him.

God gave you the strength to 
BE A MOTHERYou, my dear, are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for." 

Lovingly signed by a mom to a NICU graduate.

.........

I love what I do. But there are days when I see a mom, hear her story, cry and hug her, and watch her walk out of my office, that I think, these are definitely triggers and I want to go home and not come out for a while. I've hugged a couple of moms whose babies were born at 26 weeks, 31 weeks and 33 weeks. I've hugged and cried with mommies who come see me when their one pound, 7 ounce baby is HOME. Those days I get to see what gratitude looks like. I feel so honored and humbled that I get to be a witness to their faithful testimony and strength.

I am both equally thankful and blessed to be working with these mommies and witness these tiny miracle fighters.

But there are days that I do wonder what I'm doing at 24, almost 25 weeks gestation seeing my nightmare on daily basis.........I need to remember where my faithful self has gone... if only my pregnancy brain will let me remember where I put her. 



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