Life after Preeclampsia

There are people who have commented how "strong" I was during both of my seasons of NICU stays. All I can say, "Glory be to God." Because without Him, I don't know if I'd be here today. 

I am a firm believer that faith goes through different seasons. There are days where you will wonder where God is and question why should you pray to a Divinity that may or may not exist.

There will be seasons where you will be knee deep in prayer, and scriptures, and wonder why no one else can feel His Presence when its so strong, you can also touch Him. 

There will be seasons of trials, of silence, of joy, of tears; like life, faith is very much like a wavelength. There are crests and troughs.

When I first realized that I was pregnant with my daughter, I was living on a high. This was God's gift. As women, this what we are made for; truly the greatest thing we could ever hope to be. I prepared and readied myself for the blessing that would come.

If you've followed my blog before I unpublished EVERYTHING, then you know my story. You witnessed what I posted on social media. You saw her grow. You prayed for us and cheered us during our homecoming!

What you didn't see was me bargaining with God. You didn't hear the questions that I screamed into my heart.  You didn't see me slipping down into the depths of anxiety. You didn't see the rope thrown to me - didn't see me wonder if it was meant to pull me up or wrap around my neck. I prayed. I cursed Him. I shut Him out. I wanted Him to know that I didn't want the birth story that I was given.

But this is not just MY story. Its also very much hers......and my son's story.

Sometime during our visits, my heart became full and when I began to see her growing every day, I felt convicted. This story of hers, what a beginning!! Every day I held her, I saw God. Look at these tiny hands and tiny feet. What miracles babies are. How amazing is our God to show us what true love is? As soon as I saw this precious baby, my heart immediately changed. This is my baby. This is what love looks like, feels like and oh my. Life is definitely not the same.

I can tell you that I take my walk with Christ on a daily basis. There are times that I stop to question Him; times when I'm feeling empty and alone on our walk. There are days that I run as far as I can to get away from this life I was given - when the anxiety is too much, the situation, the cries are too painful and hard to process. Some days are better than others and I have more good days than bad. Its a daily walk, a daily conversation, a daily need for conviction and Grace.

God never promised our story would be easy but He never promised it would be filled with continuous hardships, either.

Our story has already been written. While we don't know how far we are in our journey, we should take comfort in our destination. In our own race. Philippians 3:14 and press on "toward the goal to win the price for which God has called (me) heavenward in Christ Jesus."

And if this is the first time, you've stumbled upon my page - welcome. For the small handful that have followed me, this is my restart. This is the part where I am accepting what happened to all four of us, my side, my husband's and my children's sides of the story - I accept that it wasn't my fault.
I accept that I could have done a million and one things right, but what was written was already done. I am ready to move on. I am ready to fight for the babies and mamas. I am ready to change my course and within these pages, I am ready to begin again.

This is me.
This is us.
And this is our story of Life after Preeclampsia.

You know how I know God is real? 

              Because I saw Him when I held onto a 3 pound baby.

You know how I know He loves us?

Because my babies are walking testimonies of His love and Grace.

You know how I know He answers prayers?

Because He answered mine.