September is NICU Awareness Month

The thing about trauma is that the further removed you are in time from it, the less painful it becomes. Yes, there may be some triggers that will bring you to your knees or force you to hide and breathe in the tears that threaten. But for the most part, years of separation from those events lessen the emotional weight you carry. *Though, I realize this may not be true for all traumas.

...what happens when it's associated with your children?

You can't shove the feelings. You can't hide from the tears. You can only hold onto the moments of pain and in one breath, try as hard as you can to let it go.

Every year, I remember the smells and sounds of the NICU.
I remember their little incubators and only being allowed to touch and not hold my babies in my arms.
Every year, I have tears for all that what-ifs.
And every day of that year, I hug my children as tightly as I can.

The memories are us.
We are who we are today because of them. 
Our beginnings start at the pain.
But in those seemingly irreparable shards of glass, I am whole.

I found myself and where I fit in this story.
I found a trust and peace in the Lord.
So on this NICU Awareness Month, I remember who I was before. I was a lie. I believed in my own strength. My own stubbornness told me that no one would understand the burden I am carrying. How could anyone know the journey I walked?

It's amazing when you let the lie go and embrace the truth in its painful honesty.
It's amazing when you allow someone else in on your journey.
The burden feels a little lighter and you become a part of a tribe that you didn't know existed.

As my children hit milestones, I distance myself from the NICU just a little. But I am never so far that I forget all that we have been through to be thankful of who and where we are today.

Wherever you are in your journey, don't ever be afraid to let someone in on the burden you've carried and the road you took to get to where you are today. You'll find that most of us have walked in similar paths.......Hang in there, mama.
Ellie - 6 weeks in the NICU

Ro - 11 days in the NICU

Us

Then and now(ish) *I need to update our now

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Just Leila

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