creator and a prisoner

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👉”Postpartum Forest,” from my memoir Storm of Hope: God, #Preeclampsia, #Depression and me.” ðŸ‘ˆ

Sometimes my anxiety manifests in thoughts of things that may happen. 
“I can’t go to a play date 10 mins away because I have to cross that freeway that always has wrecks. I’ve been lucky before but what if today is the day?”
Or “I have to sit in line for 1 hour waiting for my kid, because if I don’t, she’ll think that I’ve abandoned her. What kind of mother abandons her kid?”
These thoughts make my day impossible and I get overly anxious when a plan deviates. I live and breathe routine because if I don’t, I feel off kilter and perhaps, the world will work that way too.
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When I was younger I thought I wanted to travel the world and be the type of spontaneous person who just ... lives.
I didn’t imagine I’d be creating for myself habitual patterns, one where spontaneity is both foreign and a thing that’ll incite a panic. 
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When did I create this for myself?
When did I lose my faith in myself?
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What about you, friends? Are you a spontaneous kind of person or a creature of habit?
Was it by choice or design?
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My thoughts on this dreary Monday for you. 

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