Life after the Storm

“ Preeclampsia can suck it.” I remember saying this online at a Preeclampsia Support group and could almost hear the nods of other mothers in the form of “likes.”             We supported each other through the first scary diagnosis, or while we’re being triaged and about to have a premature baby. There are tears shed, prayers offered, and baby pictures shared of miracle babies. I don’t know where I would be without these group of strangers, brought together by this diagnosis. There are moments where I go online and offer comfort and humor. I sometimes alternate my hashtags to either “Preeclampsia sucks,” or “Preeclampsia can SUCK it.” But then there are days where I am angry at myself for receiving this awful diagnosis and there are days where I, somehow, believe I deserved it. Those days, I avoid social media interactions because my pride tells me that pity is not something I want to experience.   ...

May is almost over - can you believe that? And there are stories on social media about incredible stories of Preeclampsia and their NICU journeys - whether the road was paved with success, joy, failures and griefs. I am a Preeclampsia Survivor. My kids will grow up hearing stories of their birth; look through pictures of tiny babies that we couldn't take home and wonder if life would have been different if Our Story was different than the one we were handed. I am a firm believer that God doesn't make mistakes, and miracles, and love are in abundance if you gave to the Universe your all.  I knew I was strong but didn't realize how much strength a mother's heart can possess. I know and believe in the power of prayer but didn't quite understand that prayers could be this tangible thing that you could blanket yourself in. Those days are long behind me but I am always reminded of our journey during birthday and especially around this time. I...

"Infant death is one of the most devastating consequences of preeclampsia. In the U.S., approximately 10,500 babies die from preeclampsia each year and an estimated half a million worldwide." - www.preeclampsia.org I don't know Grief. But I know it's real and palpable. I've seen Grief in the faces of family and friends. I've mourned with them but Grief is a visitor in my life and not a permanent fixture. I'll walk with Grief, show it around my house, where it'll stay for a bit and once the light comes back into my home, it knows to leave me and it will greet happiness and light at the door. I know Grief wanders through the hallways of friends' houses. I know they sit in front of them at the breakfast table. I know Grief is the last thing they see when they close their eyes at night. Because I don't know Grief, at least.....not yet. I don't want to blog about how to overcome it, how to deal with it or any of those things...... Grief h...

What is it about GUILT? Women in general are predisposed to being GUILTY of all things. We're made to feel guilty for the way we look, how we act, whom we serve and how we serve others. WHY?? When did we start feeling guilty? During our childhood when we wanted to grow up one way and our parents/peers/society told us we shouldn't even think about those things? During our prepubescent years when we started feeling those darn feelings for the opposite sex? Or why our bodies isn't what society wants it to be? During our late teens, early twenties when we wanted to get away from those things/people that shaped us and find that the world really isn't as close minded or the same as we were made to believe it was? And we feel guilty about all those years we've formed our assumptions about other people and how we've treated them? Do we start feeling guilty during our years in wedded bliss when the subject of choosing a career and motherhood sets in? Then damne...

Women can have preeclampsia in the middle of their pregnancy, usually diagnosed around 20+ weeks and there are currently no treatments or cure for it. What happens to some women, is called postpartum preeclampsia and they get the classic symptoms usually a few weeks AFTER the delivery of the baby. But what I'm more concerned with, as if those two things aren't already going to kill you, is that NOW I have a big target on my head..... or my heart, rather. Your body in pregnancy mode is basically one test of how much pressure and how much stress your body can go through. I FAILED. My body's response to being pregnant was great..... at first, but as the blood volume and pressure increased.... my body basically said, peace out to my kiddos. While I experienced some of the "classic signs of preeclampsia" - high blood pressure, proteinuria, swelling(Edema), there are women who may never have any symptoms and feel absolutely until its too late. With p...

There are people who have commented how "strong" I was during both of my seasons of NICU stays. All I can say, "Glory be to God." Because without Him, I don't know if I'd be here today.  I am a firm believer that faith goes through different seasons. There are days where you will wonder where God is and question why should you pray to a Divinity that may or may not exist. There will be seasons where you will be knee deep in prayer, and scriptures, and wonder why no one else can feel His Presence when its so strong, you can also touch Him.   There will be seasons of trials, of silence, of joy, of tears; like life, faith is very much like a wavelength. There are crests and troughs. When I first realized that I was pregnant with my daughter, I was living on a high. This was God's gift. As women, this what we are made for; truly the greatest thing we could ever hope to be. I prepared and readied myself for the blessing that would come. I...

In the lovely wee hours of morning, I've started reading articles online about raising your second child, summer camps for preschoolers, how to increase milk supply and then, how to raise your children when your family - the main people in your supposed village - are hours away. I know it can be done. I know of friends who live in different cities, states or even countries away from family and seemingly are able to handle the burdens of child rearing by themselves. Of course, I see snapshots of their lives on social media, so who's to say that they're adjusted? You win, universe. I desperately need help. It's only been two weeks but the lack of sleep, the mood swings and anxiety has started to take its toll on me.......I know, right? It's taking me this long to ACKNOWLEDGE that I actually NEED HELP? I've caught myself sleeping and slacking "on the job." I once woke up, believing I was sitting in my rocker, pumping away, only to find that I...