Life after the Storm

a friend of mine on her facebook has been doing 'best things about today' as her status update. while you've been in the nicu, i started to do some, partly as an update to friends and family that would like to know how you're doing and another part to genuinely give thanks about the daily milestones and blessings that come our way. yesterday, the chaplain came up to me and wanted to know who you were, how long you've been here and was surprised that i was driving daily to see you. while gas is something i complain about on a daily basis....yesterday, my favorite 'cheap' gas station went from $3.64 to $3.74 in less than 4 hours... i still could not imagine NOT having to see you. even when i couldn't hold you, i wanted to be there so you can hear my voice and know (i hope) that you were never truly alone from your family. so it hit home yesterday that i am truly blessed. i have the oppurtunity to do these daily drives and have the monetary and time to ...

Daddy got to hold you for the first time on 3/24/12. his reaction? that you were light as a feather. you are now 4 pounds, 2 ounces. growing practically everyday. you're also started to learn how to take to a bottle. the nurse was working on teaching you to suck, swallow, breath and repeat. you didn't finish all of your bottle, but you did manage to make most of it count. they're going to try another bottle feeding in the next few hours. you're temp was good enough to not be kept under the incubator. its now more like an "open" crib. you're doing so good, baby girl!

baby, i come see you everyday, i hope you know that. do you recognize me? i held you (this makes the fifth time i get to) for almost a full hour! some nurses will come in and take you away after twenty minutes, others will interrupt our bonding time after thirty minutes, but yesterday......yesterday, no one came after twenty, or thirty minutes.... i got to change your diaper too. most people (and to be perfectly honest, i was one of them not too long ago) would hate changing a poopy diaper. but, it was the greatest feeling to be able to change you. its the little things..... you even sneezed on me. but every so often, you stare....i know babies can only see about twelve inches (although, is this true for premmies?) i stared right back. i know scientists and doctors say that babies can recognize mommies heartbeats, voices and smell.....your hearing was just developed before you decided to come on out, and i didn't get the full chance of reading/talking/singing to you.... i r...

yesterday, you were only 3 pounds, 4 ounces (almost to your birthweigth)!!! and today, you gained 2 more ounces. its the little things that pleases your mommy.

oh, baby - last night for the first time since you were born, i got to take you out of your little warm "home" and hold you. they call it "kangaroo care" - a term that essentially means, skin to skin contact - all snuggled in mommy's arms like kangaroos snuggle their babes close. i got to smell you and touch your perfect little wiggly body. you are a mover! my little wiggly worm! i don't know how i didn't cry then and there, but i held it together. the most amazing part was that you KNEW me. i know being inside my tummy you could hear my voice, hear my heartbeat and smell my smell. i was so happy that you were so alert when i walked in. you kept moving your head when i moved as if you could see me so clearly. and as soon as the nurse settled you in, all snuggled up.....you started to fall asleep....sorta...you were fighting sleep. you kept wanting to lift your head to look at me. kept moving your hand as if to get your dad to come closer..... ...

you were born on a Saturday. i was expecting to be transferred to a different hospital after the nurses kept coming in saying you were being a 'bad girl' and messing with the placenta. everytime you'd mess with it, your heart rate would drop. a few hours of coming and going, she decided to call the doctor and wouldn't you know it? you were perfectly still and your heart rate didn't go down anymore. unfortunately, our doctor is a very cautios lady (although, you wouldn't know it by looking at her). she decided to call a different hospital and made the decision to take you out.....just 1 day shy of 32 weeks! your dad wasn't at the hospital. he decided earlier on that he'll go back to work. at 2:30 am, i called him and let him know that he needed to come back to be able to meet you. he barely made it! he came into town at 8 and the nurses were already prepping me for an emergency c-section. the plan was not to have a c-section. but i did. the plan ...

Although, considering my circumstances..... And the hormones, can you really blame me? I'm at the hospital for what I hope is just an overnight stay.... And when I do get to leave here tomorrow, I'm hoping it's just the hubs and I! My blood pressure spiked at the doctors and wouldn't come down - its fine now, but my left side hurts from the pressure.... 4 vials of blood later, I've never been scared and I'm not really... but this is pretty close to terrified I've ever been. I hate crying in public, but it felt really good to just let it all out. Here you go, Lord. Take my fear, take my not yet broken heart and let me hold on to Your strength. I pray that we make it to our goal of 35 weeks, but Lord should You want her earlier in my arms, I pray for courage. Take my fear away and turn it to determination. Take my tears and give me Your peace. Let us be healthy together ~ In Your will, I pray -