Life after the Storm

In the lovely wee hours of morning, I've started reading articles online about raising your second child, summer camps for preschoolers, how to increase milk supply and then, how to raise your children when your family - the main people in your supposed village - are hours away. I know it can be done. I know of friends who live in different cities, states or even countries away from family and seemingly are able to handle the burdens of child rearing by themselves. Of course, I see snapshots of their lives on social media, so who's to say that they're adjusted? You win, universe. I desperately need help. It's only been two weeks but the lack of sleep, the mood swings and anxiety has started to take its toll on me.......I know, right? It's taking me this long to ACKNOWLEDGE that I actually NEED HELP? I've caught myself sleeping and slacking "on the job." I once woke up, believing I was sitting in my rocker, pumping away, only to find that I...

Did you know today is World Maternal Mental Health Day? Did you know 1 in 7 women suffer from a maternal mental health complication? Do you know at least 7 mamas? In my playgroup alone, there are 20 of us.That means at least 2 of us have had some experiences with mental health. I know of my own story. I remember when I visited a mama holding her third newborn, she shared her postpartum depression during her second baby.  We're here, silently, patiently, willing, praying that this thick and heavy fog of emotions suddenly just lift up and dissipate. Some of us barely holding on to our realities. Some of us bravely asking for help.  I wrote this post exactly 1 year ago today. I can hear myself crying. I can feel my wounds being cut open and this deluge of heaviness threatening to drown me. What I thought was just mere sadness turned out to be more consuming than I realized. I hid in closets. I stopped answering texts and pushed away my husband, my own daughter, my family and ...

It's hard to believe that I had a baby Thursday. My son, despite the early arrival, is doing amazing! He's had his first bath, we've already done kangaroo care and tried to latch him on to the breast twice. I'm just super excited and amazed at his progress. And because I am a mommy, haven't taken into account any of my needs while I've been here. My blood pressure has decreased since yesterday. But this morning, it started to creep up. I was supposed to go home today. I was supposed to be home right now, wondering about how my son was doing and how Ellie was being taken care of at grandma's house. I was not supposed to spend another couple of nights here, on the same uncomfortable hospital bed and getting blood pressure readings every few hours. I was supposed to be out of the woods with preeclampsia, not swimming in it. I'm trying as hard as I can to calm my anxious self but its not easy - especiall...

I woke up this morning due to the storm outside. A tornado warning sounded and then touched down not too far from where we live. Another storm in an already storm savaged city. Our lights flickered on and off before finally shrouding us in complete darkness. I watched the lightning making shadows against the windows. I almost jumped at the boom of thunder sounding so close to us. Beside me, my lovely daughter and husband slept through the thunderstorm. I tried to go back to sleep but had a pounding headache. Now I'm not so sure what woke me. The headache or the storm. But I managed to get myself up and decided to check my blood pressure. It read 152/102! I got dressed for work and tried to ignore my headache and listened to Christian music to calm my nerves. By 7:30 am, I had a nagging feeling that I needed to tell someone and sent an email (!) to my OB about what was happening and ended the note with a promise that I'll call when the clinic opens. By 8:30, I had a nurse on...

Well here we are.  This is the week that I've waited for with anticipation.  My "trigger" week. I imagine myself akin to a ticking time bomb; just waiting for my heart explode into little pieces. Is this the week that I'm going to suddenly start showing preeclamptic symptoms? The bags are packed and ready to go for the nightmare that I just know will come. I've mentally prepared myself for being admitted again, for the doctor to mention bedrest and to meeting my baby this week. ​I am NOT envisioning a longer pregnancy simply because I'm afraid of having that hope crushed. I remember feeling the helplessness and losing my faith in those first few moments. I remember seeing her tiny, wrinkly face and willed myself not to breakdown as she being wheeled away. Mind you, I regained my hope and faith later and used them as a pulley to get me up and going throughout the day. Faith is a catalyst that moves our day.  James 1:6  But when you ask, you must beli...

I remember going to my 26 week appointment, sitting down with my then-OB and being told that I was showing classic signs of preeclampsia. I remember being calm, walking out the door...... and pretty much googling everything I could find on Preeclampsia; the signs and symptoms, treatments and what it meant for baby and me. I bought a blood pressure cuff that day and began monitoring my blood pressure readings daily. In the five weeks following, I started bargaining to God and simultaneously willing the protein in my urine not to spill, for my blood pressure to suddenly go, HA! It was a fluke. Your blood pressure is fine. Those five weeks was a blur of moving from one appointment to another, visiting the Preeclampsia Foundation and praying daily. I don't remember much of anything else that happened during, to be honest. I just know that my 26th week was the start of when my world turned upside down and 5 weeks later, I had Ellie. I turned 26 weeks yesterday. Yeste...

I work for WIC - women, infant, and children; a supplemental food program that caters to mostly the three categories. Women: breastfeeding, pregnant and up to 6 months postpartum. There are days that I love, where my clients and I talk about their breastfeeding journey, or more recently, give each other little advice that could help curb nausea and vomiting. I've talked to my clients about my picking-eating-almost-four year old and in turn, they tell me secrets about what to expect at preschool, where to go resale shopping, what new recipes they come up with and what fun new games they've played. There are days where I feel like I'm making a difference and I walk out on a high note. Then there are moments where I see preemies after preemies and I think "this is really not good for my psyche." It is only after the moms have gone that I think, "I wish I said this." But I didn't know where my blubbering heart would lead. Let me tell you that when a mom...